Letters to our children | May

Dear children,

Looking at these photographs from your "younger days" taken at the very beginning of my film photography journey and then looking at photographs from the most recent rolls I got developed, I can't help but reminisce. I reminisce about how little the both of you were. Max, you were still a small baby; Evie you still had some baby fat on you..a toddler, not yet a big girl. 

Max, you are running circles around me nowadays, your favorite activity seems to be un-tidying the toys and books the SECOND I tidy and stack. You are even throwing tantrums when you don't get what you want...mostly when I wouldn't let you drink water all throughout dinner. I guess I should have been prepared that you'd start to express your opinions loudly, but I wasn't ready my sweet boy.  You continue to be amazed by your Ga Je and laugh and babble and cheer whenever you know she is coming to hang out with you. 

Evie, you are my sassy, smart, and sweet girl.  Just that other day you asked if you could have a fruit as a snack after school. We said yes you can have fruit - pear, apple, banana. Then you proceeded to verify that pears, apples, and bananas were fruit. Then you asked, "is a juice box a fruit?" After I mumbled some answers, you asked, "can I have a juice box then?"  You are a smartie pants in my book and I think this will serve you well in all aspects of your life.  Though you are relentless and demanding with us, your Baba and I saw a different side of you this weekend at your classmate's birthday party.  We watched you wait your turn patiently and even watched how you did not complain or make a fuss when they forgot to give you a piece of cupcake that you had been so excitedly for.  I wished you spoke up but also know that you are learning how to be "on your own" and how to navigate the world in your own way.  Your Baba and I have so much to learn with regards to learning when we should be helping you navigate things and letting you do it on your own. 

Guys, you are my everything (well..your dad too of course). Someone once told me that having kids give you a chance to learn how to be a better person and I couldn't agree more.  I'm still learning how to take better care of myself and take better care of you guys. I am thankful for everything that we have. But I'm not going to lie that there aren't hard days when I feel completely overspent and stressed and proceed to lose my crap.  There will always be those kind of days I guess regardless of the circumstances we are dealt, but I hope that over time, you will see that even if I lose my shit that I could calm down quickly, compose myself, move on from all the negative emotions, and deal with things I need to deal with. And maybe one day, I'll be able to do all that without losing any control..because that's the kind of example I want to set for you.

I love you both more than I can ever say.

-Mama

*Po Chi Fung is a Washington DC and MD lifestyle and documentary family photographer serving Silver Spring, Takoma Park, Bethesda, Chevy Chase, Rockville, and Potomac

Letters to our children | April

Hey ya kids.

What's been going on? We had a blast celebrating Evie's birthday at the beginning of the month with lots of good friends.  Your father had knee surgery about a week ago to correct some knee issues that he's been having for a while. Evie, you've been (most of the time) a good assistant in caring for the patient and being really understanding that he can't give your shoulder rides for the time being.  You ask almost everyday whether or not his knee is fixed, it is quite sweet.  It was somewhat of a rough transition having your dad suddenly be out of commission in helping reign you two little monsters in but in all of this, I am thankful for having quality time to really spend with the two of you together. <3

Evie - you are testing your limits everyday, including limits to our patience.  Some days when I lose my marbles, I raise my voice because I can't handle it. I hope you take my apologies seriously because I am truly sorry.  You are extremely persistent in asking me for treats every day when I pick you up from school. I appreciate you wanting things and happy that you keep trying but that doesn't mean I'll always give in! Oh yeah, yesterday when I was with you in the women's bathroom at a restaurant, you said something super profound.  You said, "mama, this bathroom is really big, isn't it?" I love you honey boo.

Max! You started walking on your sister's birthday...not to be outdone huh, buddy?  You are toddling around the house, with your arms up on your sides and with a wide stance, as if you own the ground you walk on! Your walking style has been described as sumo wrestler and cowboy-like.  You love laughing and being rowdy with your sister and baba. Whenever you guys get rowdy at the dinner table (i.e screaming with joy and egging one another on), I am always part disgusted (1%) and part happy (99%) that you guys are my family.  You are growing up so fast and I am trying very hard to hold on and enjoy every second of it.

LOVE YOU GUYS,

Mama

*Po Chi Fung is a Washington DC and MD lifestyle and documentary family photographer serving Silver Spring, Takoma Park, Bethesda, Chevy Chase, Rockville, and Potomac

Letters to our children | March

Alright guys, spring is finally here and we have fun birthday parties coming up. EEK! 

Evie - I just sent you off with 12 vanilla cupcakes with strawberry frosting and a bag of veggie straws for your little birthday party at preschool.  The excitement on your face was worth all the energy I put into each one.  I can already imagine how wide your smile is going to be when the teacher brings them out and it makes me so so happy.  Your dad just came home and said he offered to stop the car so you could eat a cupcake. But you said no and that these cupcakes are for your friends and teachers. HAHA.  Evie, I'm so excited that we'll be taking you on a 2 on 1 day trip tomorrow, we don't get a whole lot of that dad/mama/Evie time these days, do we?  It seems your second year of life flew by and in some ways it is really bittersweet for me because I missed so much of it caring for Max.  A part of me wishes I had just brought Max along to more of your outings but I think I was also just trying to figure out how to care for a little baby again and keep my sanity.  I'll make it up to you, promise! 

You are looking more and more like a little girl.  Even when I search and search your face for signs of baby, l fail.  And you are definitely talking more and more. We love asking you to tell us stories, so you've been telling us stories about Joe the doggy and all sorts of other wild imagined things.  I'm not much of a storyteller but I will remember for always the night we lied down when you asked me to tell you a story and I told you about us taking Joe to the beach. And how Joe sat on my lap in the front seat with his head out the window, his ears flopping in the wind.  You told me it was a good story.  That might have been the best thing I've accomplished. Love you. 

Max - The long wonder week seems to finally be over! No more intense screaming and crying every time I walk out of your sight!  You and I had a short Max and Mama trip to California last week, all by ourselves.  It was for Mr. Zabel's memorial service. He was my math team coach when I was from 5th-8th grade.  I pray that you and Evie will have teachers and mentors as amazing as he was, that would make us all so lucky.  I think you had a good time with your paw paw, gong gong, and Aunt Ying Ying and you loved all the attention!  You're cruising a lot more, babbling, and eating more solids.  You love watching your ga je, jumping in the crib with her, yanking the mouse off your dad's desk, and chewing your sippy cup.  You are calm and relaxed, enjoy alone time, and can giggle the best giggles in the world when you feel like it.  Your glare and stoic looks are also well practiced by now. 

My babies - there are so many tiring days where your father and I hum and haw at the dining table talking about the injustices of our world...but because of the two of you, there are so many many more moments where I thank the universe that we have your giggles to live off of. Thanks for bringing meaning to our lives.

Love, Mama.

*Po Chi Fung is a Washington DC and MD lifestyle and documentary family photographer serving Silver Spring, Takoma Park, Bethesda, Chevy Chase, Rockville, and Potomac

Letters to our children | February

I am really glad I made the deadline to join in on the fun for the second month of Letters to our Children!  Here goes, this is a really really long one.  Also, if you are uncomfortable with birth stories, then please do not read on.

My dear babies: My parents have never been keen storytellers nor particularly good at expressing how they feel.  Perhaps it is stereotypical of many Asian parents.  They keep their feelings to themselves and they reminisce about their past when they are in private. The handful of stories they have shared, I have thoroughly enjoyed - how they met, some of the things they liked to do before they had your aunt and I, how your gong gong learned how to cook and how cool and skinny your paw paw used to be before she had babies.  But they never shared too many stories about the significant moments that made their life theirs nor much about the things they felt growing up and as they are aging.  I crave more of these stories and experiences and I plan on asking more when I get a chance! And I think that's why these letters have become important and special to me. I hope through these, you'll learn more about me, not only as your mother, but as an individual. 

My experience birthing the two of you transformed me - it made me a mother and it made me a new person, someone more proud, confident, and empowered.  I think about both births often and I want you to tell you what these two journeys to bring you guys earth side meant to me.

Evie - You were born a day shy of 42 weeks.  You were happy as a clam hanging out and I'll admit that I was also pretty comfortable.  For the two weeks that you were late, your paw paw and I spent the day watching movies, eating out, and hanging out on the couch.  Days went by past your original due date and the doctor didn't want to wait anymore.  I had planned all along to have a natural birth and when the doctor recommended a scheduled C-section to us, I was devastated.  I was disappointed that I couldn't experience a "real birth," I was terrified of being in the operation room, and I was worried that I was making the wrong decision - should I try for an induction? The doctor told us that there was a 50% chance that the induction would work, which would likely take us to the worst case scenario of having an induction plus an emergency c-section. Given that, we decided on the scheduled C-section. Your dad was scared and worried too, I remember him holding my hand as I sobbed about it, with tears in his eyes.  It took me that day to reconcile all of those feelings.  I wanted to process it all, so I won't be sad about it later. Two days later, we were back at the hospital around 6am. I was really nervous about getting the epidural and I remember taking my yoga breaths and clutching onto a pillow trying not to puke.  Pretty soon, your dad joined me all scrubbed up and after what felt like 20-30 minutes and some tugging and pulling, I heard you at 9:11am.  You were about half way out of my belly when you started crying and screaming loudly. The doctors laughed. You were 9lb3oz and barely squeezed out of my 4inch incision, they had to yank pretty hard.  When I heard that you were healthy and okay, I cried tears of joy because I was so relieved that we were all OK.  Evie - in giving birth to you, I became a mama and a new individual.  A mama who knew that she could conquer anything if she can calm her mind and process things, a woman who was given yet another piece of evidence that she married right, that her partner is truly her rock in even the shakiest, scariest time. Thank you for that.

Max - my sweet VBAC baby boy. You are my success story after working so hard to achieve a natural birth having had a C-section the first time.  When I found out I was pregnant with you, I knew I had to do everything I could to ensure my chances in having a natural birth.  I wanted this, not only for me but for you as I learned more and more about the things a baby gains from being born vaginally.  I continued doing prenatal yoga like I did with Evie and I added in acupuncture and chiropractic care.  I switched to a group of midwives who had great VBAC success rates and to a hospital that was supportive of VBACs. And lastly, we hired a doula to up my chances.

For four nights before you were born, I had strong contractions. I'd time time, I sat on the exercise ball, did the cat cow yoga pose, took hot bath, breathed loudly while your father snored next to me.  But by 6am, the contractions would subside.  The doula told me that there isn't really a way to know if these were productive contractions.  EEK. I was so exhausted that I'd sleep during the day to save energy.  One or two nights prior to having you, I lost my mucous plug - the doula told me that that's a pretty good sign that your arrival was near. On your due date, also your birth day, the contractions I was having the night before subsided slightly but stayed.  I still wasn't sure but had a feeling.  That day was also my check up with the midwives. I asked your dad to pack Evie's backpack with clothes in case we needed our good friends to pick her up from school. We brought our hospital bag with us to the check up at 3pm.  By then my contractions were bothersome, so I sat in the backseat to get more comfortable.  When we got to the midwives, they told me I was 4-6cm dilated and that we could head to the hospital! We got admitted around 5pm and the doula arrived.  When we got there, the nurse asked what my pain goal was.  I said I was hoping to have an unmedicated birth, so that would be a 0 and I would swear that she snickered at me.  If you know anything about your mother is that that is fuel for me to prove someone wrong.  Contractions got closer and stronger and the doula Sara was amazing at helping me manage the pain - massages, hot shower, swaying.  Her and your dad would take turn helping me manage the pain while trying to keep that continuous fetal monitor on.  (I hope that by the time you guys have kids that they'll invent something that actually stays on, it was insanely annoying).  I was nervous but also was just so ready and determined to do this thing that I had been preparing for for 40 weeks.  At some point, the midwife told me that your heart rate was really high and recommended that I get an IV to stay hydrated to keep it low.  I got nervous around then. 

After a few hours of contractions, I was getting pretty tired and wondered if this was going to happen or if I'm headed for a long labor. The doula was also starting to wonder why you weren't moving down the birth canal as fast as she would have thought given how close and strong my contractions were.  She recommended I try a side lying position with the peanut ball, so you could rotate and make your way down.  The second I got into that position, the contractions became absolutely unbearable.  I got through two contractions and I asked to get back on all fours.  And I thought about it and realized that she must have been right because it must have been so painful for a reason - it was working.  After I got back to that position and endured a couple of contractions, I felt an intense need to push.  The doula told me not to because the midwife wasn't there.  Your dad tried to help me breath to avoid pushing but it wasn't really working.  They midwife came running and pretty soon, I was standing and squatting facing the inclined hospital bed's back. Sara stepped behind it to hold my hand, your dad was on my left to hold my other hand.  I think their hands must have been bruised that night because I squeezed it really really tightly.  With the contractions, I focused really hard to figure out how to get you out more efficiently.  I saw that it was 11PM and I wanted you to have a May 7th birthday instead of the 8th!!! Within 10 or so minutes of pushing, you were born!  I didn't even fully understand that you were out and was just shocked that it was done and that you were safe!  Your dad always says that the look on my face was priceless, I think I can imagine.  The midwife handed me a screaming you from underneath me.  I felt your semi-wet body and smelled the metallic smell.  My initial urge to cry completely gave way to just feeling so so proud of myself.  At that moment, I felt the world stood still with just you and I on top of a super super high mountain and I felt like a super hero.  Max - all I can say is that I felt like a bad ass having that unmedicated VBAC.  I've never felt anything like this and I'm not sure I ever will unless we have another baby- the natural rhythm of the contractions, the very primal experience listening to my body tell me all the things I needed to do - when to push, how to push, how to bring you into my arms. It was painful, yes, but also so raw, beautiful, natural, and empowering.  I feel like I can do anything. 

You two monkeys who drive me nuts often also gave me the life and experiences that I have always craved. Don't let it get to your head but I am who I am because of the two of you (and your father of course). 

Love,

Your mama who love you fiercely and will protect you at all cost...but don't think I will take crap from you!

Follow the circle to see Kristen's letter to her baby boy this month.

*Po Chi Fung is a Washington DC and MD lifestyle and documentary family photographer serving Silver Spring, Takoma Park, Bethesda, Chevy Chase, Rockville, and Potomac

Letters to our children | January

Recently, a fellow photographer mama posted about starting a blog circle called "Letters to our children."  I thought it would be a fun way to motivate myself to write down the things Evie and Max are doing and things I want to say to them each month.  And what a neat way to join in on a project with other individuals around the globe.  Ok, here goes.

My dearest children: Our lives are insane right now - there is a lot of work to do, mouths to feed, hugs to give, bottles to wash, lunch and snack boxes to pack, butts to wipe and really, not enough energy and moments of quietness for your father and I to gather our thoughts or watch our favorite shows on Netflix. We knew this first year would be kind of tough transitioning from a family of three to a family of four and it has been. But no matter what, every bit of this chaos and the everyday test of my sanity and patience, is all worth it. I can't imagine a life without the two of you and I am so excited for all our adventures to come. 

Evie - my crazy first born.  You are full of energy, wit, adventure, and stubbornness. You seem to embody all of the traits that I love about your father AND the combined stubbornness from he and I.  This thrills and terrifies me at the same time. You are observant, constantly asking questions and learning about your surroundings.  You are hilarious - you tell jokes and most of the time, with great comedic timing.  Just recently, you started having an imagination. I've loved hearing you pretend to be a cat and finding monsters in our sun room and can't wait to hear more about your pretend world. You know so much and speaks so clearly and thoughtfully that I forget that you're not even three yet...and so I often lose my patience when I can't seem to reason with you. I hope you'll forgive me! I'm learning to be your mom too and like all things, it takes time.  You love making up songs, pretending to take care of your baby boy doll (Boris) the way we take care of Max, eating most of the frosting from a cupcake and abandoning the rest, and worshiping your dad. I guess I don't blame you, he is pretty cool.

Max - my velcro baby.  You are sweet, snuggly, attentive, and I think (I so hope I am wrong) even more stubborn than your older sister.  You beam when you see me and crawls at maximum speed to climb onto my lap.  You sure know how to make your mama feel loved. You love your older sister even more and giggles hard whenever she does something bad! You've been pulling yourself up a ton and I wouldn't be surprised if you take your first steps within a month or two.  Your first winter at daycare meant multiple fevers within two weeks and a double ear infection.  You've handled it like a champ and all of it reminded me of how I want nothing more than for our family to be safe and healthy.  What I would give to make sure you and Evie were always healthy and safe. It is still too soon to know what kind of personality you'll have but I would guess that you're an introvert, someone who takes in a lot of things quietly, definitely determined, and one of those people who surprises others with what you know and can do because they didn't even know you were learning all this stuff to begin with!  Sometimes when crazy is happening, you seem to retreat to a corner and flips books or play with your toys quietly.  I think you and I are a lot alike in that respect.  So excited to see the trouble you and your sister will get into and to see how you'll chase after your own adventures and do what you want to do with such a strong presence around you!

I love you guys, forever and ever and ever and ever! - Mama

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Follow along the circle and go check out what Kristin from Kristen Peereboom Photography wrote to her children!

*Po Chi Fung is a Washington DC and MD lifestyle and documentary family photographer serving Silver Spring, Takoma Park, Bethesda, Chevy Chase, Rockville, and Potomac